In my coaching practice, woman after woman shares with me that she feels guilty for putting herself first, prioritizing her goals, and standing up for their needs. The intensity of that guilt varies—some feel more burdened with it than others—but across the board, it's something many of us have in common.
If you're reading this article, know that you're not alone. Women often struggle with feeling selfish when they prioritize themselves, and this societal conditioning runs deep.
Here, we’ll explore the historical roots of why women have been conditioned to be selfless and how these beliefs still influence women today. Understanding this context is key to recognizing why you might feel guilty for putting yourself first.
For a more in-depth exploration of these ideas, check out the full podcast episode here.
The Cultural Conditioning of Women’s Selflessness
Society has long taught women that selflessness is a virtue. Sociologists have long found that women are socially expected to behave in different ways from boys and men. We encourage girls to be kinder, gentler and more generous, because these are seen as female virtues. This is then rewarded with love, acknowledgment, positive attention.
That's how we learn from when we’re little that we’re a good girl if we are polite, quiet, nurturing. Boys are encouraged to be assertive and independent.
This pattern continues into adulthood, where women often feel guilty for not putting others first, being generous, nurturing.
Two studies highlight this:
A 2017 neuroscience study found that women’s neural reward system is activated by generosity, whereas men’s brains are more stimulated by self-centered behavior. This could be due to both cultural conditioning and possible neurological differences.
Another 2017 study examining highly-educated, dual-earner U.S. couples found that new fathers carved out significantly more leisure time than new mothers. On nonworkdays, fathers engaged in leisure 47% and 35% of the time when mothers were performing childcare and housework, while mothers had only 16%-19% of leisure time. This demonstrates how gender inequality still persists in domestic responsibilities and leisure time.
Are You Really Being Selfish?
Or have you been told/shown that you're selfish so many times that you've started to believe it?
Many people associate the word "selfish" with negativity and would do anything to avoid being seen that way. After all, being seen as selfish can often have negative consequences - withdrawal of love, loss of friendships, etc.
The dictionary defines selfish as “lacking consideration for others, primarily concerned with personal gain or pleasure.” As you can see, this carries a pretty narcissistic tone—you're focused only on your own needs.
But that's the extreme end of selfishness.
In reality, many women (including many of my clients) label themselves as selfish when they’re far from it! If anything, they lean toward the opposite end of the spectrum—constantly caring for others and putting their needs first. Feminine energy is nurturing, compassionate, and loving—but that should include YOU, not just everyone else!
They could actually benefit from being more selfish because at the end of the day, does it really serve you and the people around you to NOT prioritise yourself? Who benefits when you're exhausted, frustrated, lost...?
The Historical Context of Women’s Self-Sacrifice
The expectation for women to be selfless is deeply ingrained in history and different cultures and religions idealise selflessness and self-sacrifice as a feminine virtue and see self-prioritization as selfish or sinful in women.
Christianity: The Virgin Mary became the ultimate symbol womanhood—pure, nurturing, and devoted to others, reinforcing the idea that women should self-sacrifice, often at the expense of their own desires.
Hinduism & Buddhism: Hindu epics like the Ramayana glorified characters like Sita, who remained loyal and self-sacrificing. Buddhism also promoted detachment from self-interest, which was often applied more rigidly to women.
Medieval Europe: The Church reinforced women’s subservience through moral teachings, celebrating female saints for their suffering and sacrifice.
Colonial America & Puritanism: Women were expected to be modest, obedient, and devoted to their families. Those who challenged these norms faced social punishment - just think of the Salem witch trials, where independent or outspoken women were targeted.
This programming can lead women to internalize self-sacrifice as the only way to be loved or accepted. This is manifested in the Helper (Type 2) personality in the Enneagram, which we’ll talk about in Part 2.
The Danger of Being “Selfish” in the Past
Not only were women encouraged to be selfless, historically, it was dangerous for women to assert themselves and claim what they want - to the extent that their survival was at stake!
They were financially dependent on their husbands of family members, could't own property or inherit wealth and had limited access to work (even then, those positions were badly paid and offered little opportunity for advancement).
Women who deviated from self-sacrificing roles could be punished, ostracized, or even persecuted (witch trials; being labeled as "difficult", "unfeminine"...) Being seen as "selfish" (asserting independence, prioritizing personal goals) could jeopardize their financial and social standing.
Today, women have more opportunities, but social acceptance still plays a significant role in shaping behavior. Many women unconsciously fear rejection when they assert their needs, a pattern that stems from generations of conditioning.
Tune into the full podcast episode to see how these patterns might be shaping your experience.
The Workplace and Gender Expectations
Before the Industrial Revolution, women’s work was largely confined to the home. This was true for women in all three social classes (peasants/lower class, bourgeoisie/middle class, aristocrats/upper class)—their primary role was tied to domestic responsibilities, helping on the farm or with family business, arranging marriages...
As women entered the workforce in the 20th century, societal resistance to women working (especially married women working!) remained strong. Formal marriage bars in countries like the U.S., U.K., and Germany prohibited married women from teaching or clerical work. The expectation was that a woman should leave her job once married, reinforcing the idea that her primary duty was to support her husband.
We've come a long way, but unfortunately, gender disparities still persist:
Women earn approximately 10% less than men in similar occupations.
High-level careers in business and law demand long work hours, making it difficult for women to balance career and family responsibilities.
Women remain underrepresented in leadership roles, partly due to lingering societal biases about their priorities and capabilities.
The Family System & Epigenetics: How Guilt is Passed Down
You are not just an individual—you are part of a larger system that includes your family, culture, religion, and society. Many of the beliefs you hold about selflessness versus selfishness are passed down unconsciously through your ancestors. These beliefs, fears and behavioural patterns could be centuries old and you may be unconsciously playing by the rules of your ancestors, getting caught up in their trauma.
A few examples:
If a woman in your lineage suffered for standing up for herself, you may have an inherited fear of speaking up or taking up space.
If your ancestors faced hardship due to financial independence, you might self-sabotage your success out of invisible loyalty to them
If your family values self-sacrifice, you may unconsciously prioritize others’ needs over your own.
Epigenetics has shown that trauma can be passed down for at least four generations. If women in your lineage experienced hardship for asserting themselves, you may have inherited stress responses—such as anxiety or guilt—when you try to put yourself first. Gain further insight into these deep-rooted patterns by listening to the full podcast episode.
Final Thoughts: Understanding Why You Feel Guilty for Putting Yourself First
Women have been conditioned for centuries to feel guilty for prioritizing themselves. But the world is changing, and breaking these outdated patterns starts with you. By understanding the historical, cultural, and familial influences shaping your beliefs + doing your own inner work, you can consciously rewrite the narrative.
Stay tuned for Part 2, where we’ll explore how personality, belief systems, and the collective unconscious play a role in self-sacrifice—and how to finally give yourself permission to put yourself first, guilt-free. 💗
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From my heart to yours
Tajda 🌷🫶
📚 Sources:
Soutschek, A., Burke, C.J., Raja Beharelle, A. et al. The dopaminergic reward system underpins gender differences in social preferences. Nat Hum Behav 1, 819–827 (2017). https://doi.org/10.1038/s41562-017-0226-y
Kamp Dush, C.M., Yavorsky, J.E. & Schoppe-Sullivan, S.J. What Are Men Doing while Women Perform Extra Unpaid Labor? Leisure and Specialization at the Transitions to Parenthood. Sex Roles 78, 715–730 (2018). https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-017-0841-0
Yellen Janet L., The history of women’s work and wages and how it has created success for us all, May 2020, Brookings.
Occupations of Women in the Labor Force Since 1920, US Department of Labor, Women's Bureau
History of International Women's Day, International Women's Day
Avni Sivan, Bert Hellinger on hidden and paradoxical loyalties in the family
Open AI Chat GPT, March 2025.
Author
Tajda Glazer
Professional Life & Career Coach, Psychological Consultant and host of the podcast "What If It Is Possible?"
I'm a lawyer turned Professional Life & Career Coach and I've helped hundreds of clients go from feeling lost, anxious, burned out and stuck on the hamster wheel, to finding their purpose and turning their dream life & career into reality. I believe in making changes from the inside out, in a way that feels easeful and aligned with you. ✨ I host the podcast "What If It Is Possible?", mentor students in reaching their goals, and help leaders elevate their conscious leadership skills.
