How To Deal With Rejection in Love
Updated: Oct 14, 2022
I think we can universally agree that it feels lousy when you like someone and they don't feel the same. Even after you've done a looooot of inner work, being "rejected" still stings a little (because it damages our ego). But once you have a deeper understanding of what's behind it, it will be much easier for you to move on gracefully and confidently and not feel like something is wrong with you or that you should change something about yourself in order to be liked. And that's exactly what I'll support you with in this post.
#1: You weren't rejected
The words we use matter. They are a huge part of how we create our reality and they affect how we feel (along with our focus and our thoughts).
How do you feel when you keep saying that someone rejected you? Rejection is a very strong word that by its definition means "dismissing someone as inadequate, unacceptable, or faulty".
I'm fairly certain that that's how you define rejection too, which means that every time you say the word rejection, you automatically affirm to yourself that you were dismissed because you were inadequate, unacceptable, or faulty. But you're not inadequate, unacceptable, or faulty! It could not be further from the truth. In fact, you are beautiful, perfect because of your imperfections, and unconditionally loved. Without any conditions attached.
So before we continue, I encourage you to stop using the word rejection. You don't need to have it in your vocabulary.
Instead of that, simply say - it wasn't a 100% yes for them. That's a much more gentle way of seeing it.
See for yourself how each of these sentences feels in your body.
They rejected me.
It wasn't a 100% yes for them.
Use words that feel good to you and that don't bring you and your worth down.
#2: Rejection has nothing to do with you and your worth
When we get "rejected" our ego starts telling us that there must be something wrong with us, that we're probably not worthy enough/good enough/beautiful enough, that we should be more like this and less like that... because if we were good enough/beautiful enough/worthy that person would have said yes.
This goes back to our childhood when most of us learned that we have to fulfill certain conditions in order for our parents to love us. We learned that when we're "good" and behave as they want us to, they love us. We're worthy of their love. But when we're "bad" and disobey them, they take that love away (by being angry, ignoring us, punishing us...) and we're not worthy of their love. Through this experience, we formed this (simplified) formula in our brains that we then applied to all our relationships:
If I fulfill their conditions they will like me and I'll be worthy. If I don't fulfill their conditions they won't like me I won't be worthy.
Here's the truth. Your worth has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with how other people perceive you, with how much money you make, the car you drive, how intelligent you are, how many friends you have... Your worth is inherent. The end. No buts. No conditions. You are worthy of love right now.
You are worthy just because you exist. You don't have to fulfill any imaginary conditions to be loved. And if you think you do, those are old beliefs you have internalized from society.
Your worth is not connected with anything in the outside world. So when a person makes a decision that being with you is not a 100% yes for them that's completely separated from your worth. One has nothing to do with the other. Your worth is still 100%. It doesn't diminish.
#3: We choose very specific partners that help us heal our childhood wounds
The way we choose our partners is much more than "uuu, he/she is cute, he/she could be someone I could be with". It's a very subconscious process (not to mention you have to have a soul contract with them, but we won't get into that here). Just know that there's so much more to it.
We don't just choose anyone. We specifically choose people that have positive and negative qualities of people that were very close to us in our childhood (parents, grandparents, family members that lived with us). These qualities are deeply ingrained in our subconscious mind and the memory of our bodies and can be as detailed as the color of their hair, the way they smell, move, talk, their beliefs, attitude... By embodying those qualities, our partners keep on triggering us where it hurts the most and force us to look at our childhood wounds so we can heal them.
We're here to learn and grow and relationships are one of the best ways to do that. Being in a relationship with a person that doesn't challenge you won't be fulfilling for you in the long run. Your soul wants to grow. It wants action. It wants to be challenged. It wants to heal, especially your childhood wounds.
And while your ego may be saying "but I don't caaaaaaare if we challenge each other, I don't care about growth, I just want him/her and no one else!", you will see sooner or later that that type of relationship just won't satisfy you.
If you want to read more on this topic, I definitely recommend the book Getting The Love You Want by Dr. Harville Hendrix.
#4: Would entering a relationship with this person really be a 100% yes for you?
Be completely and brutally honest with yourself right now. Was this person really a 100% yes for you or were you just attracted to the idea of him/her?
Life is a mirror and it will always reflect back to us how we truly feel about something/someone. And here's the trick: it doesn't mirror what we think of them (because our mind can play tricks on us and be very convincing!) but it mirrors what we truly feel about them in our bodies, what we vibrate. The outer world will always reflect back to you what's happening in your inner world.
So whenever there is a genuine heart&soul connection to a specific person, both of you will feel it and there will absolutely be something to explore there. But if all of that is coming from your mind and your heart&soul aren't really feeling it nothing will ever truly develop with that person.
You're always looking for a heart & soul connection. And you're always looking for relationships that are a 100% yes for you.
Now that you understand what's hiding behind "rejection", I want to share a few ways how you can deal with it when it happens. Just because we intellectually understand, doesn't mean that we don't still feel wounded or hurt. At the end of the day, we're aaaall human and we have to emotionally and energetically process the situation to be able to move on.
Step 1: Allow yourself to feel all the emotions
For a few days just give yourself permission to feel all the feels. Emotions are just energy in motion. They want to be felt and as soon as they are, they will move on.
I know that feeling those negative feelings may seem counterintuitive. For god's sake, we've been trying to avoid emotional pain aaaaaaall of our lives and now we're supposed to just let it be here? Yes! It's scientifically proven that it takes 90 seconds for an emotion to move through and out of your body, so the sooner you allow all of those emotions to be present in your body, the faster they'll move through and make space for new energy. But remember that it's a process and be patient with yourself.
Step 2: Bring your attention back to you
You've probably been dissecting and analyzing every detail, thinking of what may be wrong with you and what the other person wants, what the other person was thinking/doing/feeling, what you could have done differently to satisfy them, etc., but it's important that you train yourself (you will literally have to train yourself!) to bring your attention and focus back to you.
This is a situation where you've been wounded in some way, so it's vital that you are there for yourself. Your wellbeing is your responsibility. So give yourself what you need and look after yourself like you were your little child. That means focusing on you, not them.
What do you need? What makes you feel better? Hot tea? A bath? A walk? Reading? Watching Netflix? Crying? And then ... What do you want? What satisfies you?
Especially for the next few days and while you process everything, be your number one priority.
Step 3: Notice the ego and don't blindly trust his perspective
The ego is going to try to convince you that you were not good enough/beautiful enough/whatever enough, that you should be more like this or less like that, that you should somehow change and that this is somehow your fault.
Don't buy into that story.
You can give the ego permission to share its opinion, but don't take everything it says for granted. The ego has its own perspective on things, kind of like loving parents do when they want to protect their child. It wants to help, but oftentimes he just goes about it the wrong (too protective) way.
With that in mind, take control over your narrative and keep on questioning the story that the ego is telling you. Every time a thought comes up saying that you're not good enough, ask yourself "Is that thought really true? Can I say without a shadow of a doubt that that's true?"
And just listen to your heart, your body, and your inner wisdom.
Look at this situation as an experience, as an opportunity that life has given you to decide that no matter what's happening in the outer world, no matter what people think of you, no matter whether someone likes you, you are worthy.
Enter relationships that are truly a 100% yes for you. Don't settle for anything less.
Let me know in the comments if this article supported you in any way. I would love to hear from you! <3
From my heart to yours,